


Ilona's Guide for the Female Atlas Recruit

by SeraphHT



Category: Call of Duty
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Exactly What It Says on The Title, Gen, Guides, Ilona seriously needs more love, Women in the Military, random moments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 07:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4513131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeraphHT/pseuds/SeraphHT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sadly, there was no "guide" for me or the other girls who became one of the first few women to join Atlas, and throughout my time here, based on my experiences, a heads-up is very badly needed to be given to the female recruits out there, guidelines they can live by. </p>
<p>You? You're lucky. You should be grateful. I learned these unspoken rules the hard way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ilona's Guide for the Female Atlas Recruit

**Author's Note:**

> So uhh, this is yet another shot at humour and I know that I failed so badly this time. Since I know next to nothing about military life, I hope no one would be offended if I got any references wrong or anything C:
> 
> No slash, this is a general fic. Supposedly, Ilona sits down one day and thinks back of all the things she experienced that definitely wasn't included in the job description. Then, decides to write a guide for all the female soldiers. I could've added more, and maybe I will if I have time or if I feel like it.
> 
> In the meantime, enjoy! :D

**1\. During a party, especially when most of your team are men, just sit in a corner and drink something clean. Don’t take the drugs, don’t drink the alcohol. You do _not_ want to wake up not knowing what happened the night before.**

“What the fuck are you doing, Joker?!”

“Shit, don’t get all touchy-feely! God no, no one wants to see your body!”

Ilona sipped on her drink and quietly enjoyed as a clearly intoxicated Joker gave drunk Gideon and Mitchell a strip-tease.

 

**2\. If you don’t obey number 1, there will be hell to pay.**

“Ilona?”

“Yes, Mr Irons?”

“Can you help…enlighten me on a few matters?”

“What would that be?”

“Why is Joker in is underwear?”

“…”

“And why are Mitchell and Gideon on top of each other?”

“…”

“And why are all of them passed out?”

“Sir, I can—“

“Never mind. Wake them all up. I’m initiating the mandatory urinal and blood test today.”

 

**3\. Prepare to be “mom” to most of the men in your division.**

“Ilona, where’s my tablet?”

“Ilona, where’s the food?”

“Ilona, can you teach me how to do this?”

“Ilona, can you cook something for me?”

“Ilona, have you seen the remote?”

“Ilona, who finished the milk?”

When it came to Gideon, they only asked one question.

“Gideon, where’s Ilona?”

 

**4\. Though it’s a private company, you do not get your day off. Even if it’s your time of the month.**

“Why are you in a bad mood?”

“Shut up, or else I’ll rip your balls off and stuff them so deep in your ass you won’t ever be able to recover them.”

 

**5\. Men are afraid of menstrual pads.**

“Ilo—“

“…”

“Is that a pad?”

“…”

“Fuck!”

A few minutes later she heard Gideon, Mitchell and Joker freaking out in the living room.

 

**6\. If you claim a bathroom or toilet during your period, congratulations. It is now yours.**

“Dammit, Ilona! Why did you use _that_ bathroom?! You have your own in your room, don’t you?”

“What? It’s the closest one to the living room.”

“It’s your time of the month, isn’t it?”

“Yes, why?”

“Mitchell! Joker! Bathroom next to the living room is off limits!”

 

**7\. Men have this thing called “morning wood”.**

Glancing at her watch, it read 5.30 am. Now that her shift was over, she went over to Mitchell’s tent and poked her head in.

“Mitchell?”

“Hmm?”

“Your shift now.”

“Mmkay.”

“…”

“What?”

“A little warning next time?”

Ilona almost smiled at how hard Mitchell blushed.

 

**8\. They also have boners at the most random moments.**

“Joker, what the hell?”

“What the hell what?!”

“If you haven’t noticed, your ‘gun’ is sticking out in your pants.”

“I—“

“Why are you having dirty thoughts _now_? Irons will come through that door any moment and—“

“I can’t help it, okay?!”

 

**9\. Worst still, they can’t control it.**

“Men can’t just make a boner disappear. They can appear at any time, even when we’re not thinking of anything arousing. Plus, we can’t just make it go away.”

“…”

“…”

“I did not want to know that, Gideon.”

 

**10\. Expect to catch them goofing around.**

“Mitchell, what are you watching?”

“I-It was an ad, I swear!”

 

**11\. In the worst cases, jacking off.**

“Joker, what the fuck?!”

 

**12\. You will receive the worst presents from your fellow soldiers.**

Ilona stared at the thing in her hand, her level of disgust and horror were impalpable.

Gideon opened the door and saw what she was holding. “Oh shit! She opened Joker’s present first!”

Before he could run, the dildo hit him square in the face.

 

**13\. When it comes to your guilty pleasures, triple-check to make sure nobody’s around.**

“Ilona, are you reading what I think you’re reading?”

“…no.”

“That’s gay erotica.”

 

**14\. Never buy anything online.**

“Hey, there’s a package at the door for someone in our division!”

“That must be mi—“

Mitchell and Joker ripped it open before Ilona can stop them.

“…what is this?”

“G-Give me that!” Ilona snatched it before they could identify the item as a vibrator.

 

**15\. When it comes to essential supplies, you can count on no one but yourself.**

“Where are you going, Ilona?”

“I’m going to the clothes store and pharmacy, Mr Irons. I should be back within a few hours.”

“Should I feel worried about anything, Ilona? What on earth do you need that Atlas doesn’t have provided for you?”

“…bras.”

 

**16\. Be prepared to be asked the most stupid/embarassing of questions.**

“What do you mean, Atlas doesn’t provide bras? Are you saying Atlas is less considerate when it comes to its female soldiers?”

“No, sir, I—“

“Ilona, I’ll have you know that—“

“Atlas doesn’t have bras with my cup size! Okay?!”

 

**17\. Sometimes you just have to be patient.**

“Please, Mr Irons, if you’re unsatisfied that I’m going out to get myself some bras, maybe you should get a woman as chief to handle the soldiers’ supplies. Because not all women in Atlas are bra size A-cup!”

“…”

“Even better, stop providing bras altogether, the women can go out and get plenty for themselves.”

“My apolo—“

“And double the amount of tampon supplies, would you? I know we use them to stop bleeding during injury, but have you forgotten its primary reason?”

 

**18\. You will hear the pettiest arguments. Do not trouble yourself by getting involved.**

Ilona was passing by Gideon’s room.

“Mine is bigger, Mitchell.”

“Fuck no. Mine’s way bigger, see? It’s gotta be at least an inch more.”

Ilona’s eyes widened in bewilderment.

“What, you want me to measure?”

“Measure, what the fuck, you fucking crazy? Is that what Americans do?”

“You just don’t want to be proven wrong.”

“You piece of shit!”

 

**19\. If you’re single, expect to be set up on blind dates you never agreed to.**

“Ilona, I found this guy, and he’s—“

“Joker, is this another blind date?”

“Well, yes, but listen—“

“God, no. The last time you set me up with someone he had _purple hair_ and the biggest afro I’ve seen in my life, and he was _very_ vocal about his foot and ass fetish, and he got so damn pissed when I didn’t want to ‘take things back to his place’. He almost attacked me in the middle of the restaurant since he was so mad and I was forced to subdue him.”

“Ilona—“

“No! I am _not_ going through that again!”

 

**20\. Poker faces and death glares are worth practising in the mirror.**

“He-ey, beautiful! Nice piece of ass, honey. You here to visit your limp-dick boyfriend?”

Ilona just stared at him to the point he cringed and started to back away.

 

**21\. If that doesn’t work, carrying guns around are okay, too.**

“Beautiful rack, baby!”

Ilona pulled out her handgun.

“Shit!”

 

**22\. Two words: guy talk. For your own good, just facepalm and walk away.**

“It won’t go in.”

“That’s what she said!”

Joker and Mitchell started to laugh hysterically.

 

**23. Never, _ever_ risk going to the public showers. _Never._ Even if your private shower’s broken, _don’t take the risk._ Please, you can go a day or two without showering.**

Gideon whistled as he opened the showers entrance.

A click of a gun echoed menacingly and he became engulfed in the darkest aura in his life.

Ilona’s words were more like threats, hissed out with every drop of venom.

“ _Get out_.”

 

**24\. Don’t be surprised when you subconsciously consider your comrades as your brothers. _Little_ brothers.**

It must’ve been around 2 am when Ilona entered the living room, only to see Mitchell passed out on the sofa.

She sighed. “Must’ve fallen asleep watching football again, eh, friend?”

Almost automatically, she reached for a blanket neatly folded up in a corner and flapped it open, before wrapping it around his sleeping form.

Mitchell sleepily opened his eyes and yawned. “Ilona?”

“Hm?”

He smiled, and Ilona felt strange. Affection, so sweet it hurt in the best places. Suddenly, she longed to see her parents back home in Russia.

“Make me hot chocolate?”

Ilona’s smile disappeared instantly. “Don’t push your luck, suka.”

 

**25\. Most importantly, take it from me, don’t try too hard to be one of the boys.**

Ilona returned to her room after a long, tiring day training and teaching at the shooting range. Upon entering, she noticed a card on her pillow.

“Cards are so outdated,” she murmured to herself as she picked it up and opened it anyway.

_‘Dear Ilona,_

_Keep being that stoic, calm, cool, talented and secretly crazy motherlike, sisterlike, best friend and fellow soldier that we all know and love._

_Sincerely,_

_And no this is not a prank,_

_Gideon, Mitchell and Joker.’_

For the first time in a long time, Ilona’s lips curved into a full-blown smile.

**Author's Note:**

> I know that was short af but I had this idea lingering in my mind for a while, thought it would be nice to try out. If you liked it, leave some kudos!
> 
> Thanks for reading~


End file.
